contentment.

      SOOOOOO the head noodle in charge canned me ..Do I tell people ? What do I say? It is pretty funny if you think about it , I laughed at it so its ok. Chuckle away. I had a lot of people ask me if it was because of the blog. I don't think it was. I didn't have any common friends with them on face book or in life .  I also blocked them all on face book prior to this. But It is odd. I had a very positive review last week. A lot of " you're a great fit~you are a hard worker". Friday she comes in my office to tell me again, you are a great worker, we are thankful for all of your hard work. But we let your go. umm what ? Naturally I asked if there was a reason why or if something went wrong. That was simply followed by "NO" . Not a smile, not a crack of any life( hence the noodle reference) . It is slightly humiliating. I did not love it there. I did not have any sort of future there. Which is one of the reasons why I didn't love it there . It served a purpose but at the same time I felt it was a huge waste of my time.
       So anyhow, moving on. I struggle with being content. I look around at working moms and I admire them tremendously for knowing what they wanted in life and went for it as well as having a family. Whether its a teacher or a nurse, they have a career. I also look at stay at home moms and envy them from time to time. They are perfectly content being home . This may be what they envisioned their life to be and they are loving it all . And that is wonderful for them.
 For me, its a struggle to go to work and know that someone else is putting in the hours of raising my kids. You miss out on a~lot . You rely on other people for holidays from school, sniffles, lice scares. You're not in it 100%.You need a kick ass support system. I don't have that.
Also this time with them ,while they are little, is so precious and it goes SO FAST.  I love them so very much and I treasure this time with them, I love being a mom. I love the easy mornings of no rush to get anywhere, the play dates, and the friendships I make. But being home full time isn't the dream for ME.
I feel like I do not fall into either of these categories. I don't want to work full time M-F 9-5 . I don't want to sit in an office or cubicle hell. I also don't want to be with my kids 24/7 playing all day long. I have dreams and aspirations of my own that I am not yet done fulfilling.(not to mention I have "taste" that I cannot always afford)  I am not content at home and I am not content being gone all day. I have a hard time believing that I am the only one who feels like this.  I remember showing a friend of mine my vision board.(I make one every NYE or Day) She giggled at it. Saying something like " why do you have this stuff on there. the Eiffel tower, success, its silly and not real. You're a mom." I was so offended. I actually didn't say anything if you can believe that. After thinking about it for days after wards, I felt more sad for her than anything. Sad for the fact that she thinks she cannot have any dreams and goals of her own , even the biggest of dreams like mine of having my own success, with a kick ass channel bag and speaking French while I am in Paris one day. Don't we want to show our daughters that you can do it all ,whatever "all" means to you? Maybe I am being judgmental of her ? Maybe she is living her dream. And if that's the case that's awesome for her. But I am not going to simplify mine.   We as woman and moms ,we are ALL winging this shit. No one has all the answers .  One decision is not better than the other. I just know what works or doesn't work for my family. Yes I can go get another crap job in an office and then be miserable and pay out the hoo ha for child care.  ~That in itself doesn't always make working worth it either.
I will go back to work eventually.I want to. Sooner than later. But I think I am going to work towards goals and doing something I want to do and not something I am doing and hating it every step of the way. I often try to adapt to the saying that you should work to live and not live to work. meaning not let it define you but to fund the life you want. But if I am investing my time and life into it , I want it to be something I love. I have no clue what that will be. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I know what I don't want so I suppose that is a start. I do know that I want to live my life to the fullest. I know that I am resilient. I know I want my own success and not be defined by my husbands success ( I am very proud of him and I am married to the best ,most supportive man on the planet. It takes a lot to handle me and he's still alive to tell the tale so that's something to be said about him right there xxooxxoo) I want to be a mom and not miss out on everything with my kids. I want to do something that I am proud of , Something that has meaning to me. I truly don't think God created me to be a paper pusher. I know there is a bigger plan and I think I need to listen and think outside of the box that I don't even freaking  fit in anyhow.  For now ,I am going to value this little hiatus ,really explore options for this season of my life. I think when i do figure it out, I'm going to be kick ass at it.
 xxoo