40 million people in this country have anxiety , and I am one of them. So I guess that makes me part of the norm ? I don't know. Anyhoo, at this point it is just a part of me. I will probably always have it. I deal with it. It doesn't pop in everyday and for the most part I can keep it under "control". I have coping skills and things that work for me such as deep breathing, running ( which I call crazy runs), yoga, etc. I have lots of quirks because of it. I won't take medications.It has taken me 41 years to take a children's Claritan. I do not under any circumstances drive over big bridges. And I can never ever live in the mountains as I cannot even think about high mountain cliff roads. I am a what-iffer. If I am faced with something that makes me uncomfortable I will what-if it to death. What if the car breaks down on top of this super high bridge and I have to log roll all the way to the bottom while holding onto the kids? What if I get on that roller coaster and get stuck up there? What if I get so nervous that my legs just stop working and I cannot leave wherever it is that I am and I am just stuck there for the rest of my life? I know that these are the most ridiculous scenarios you have probably ever heard. I know they are too. But I get stuck on that crazy what if cycle and it keeps going round and round. Sometimes I will even laugh at myself at the unrealistic-never-going-to-happen what ifs that I imagine myself getting into AND if anyone shared them with me I would look at them and laugh at them as well. I have accepted that it is just how I am wired and it makes me who I am. I tried for years to keep it a secret and didn't share it with people because I didn't want people to think I was truly crazy. Recently I have been just blurting it out .Oh ill be fine, I just have anxiety. And a lot of time they say oh me too! I feel like less of a lunatic.
I think a huge misconception about anxiety is that I am fragile. Or I cannot handle things in a real emergency . The total opposite is true. I am an adult. I can handle things. I think sometimes my loved ones have kept things from me thinking they are sparing me the anxiety of something. There is nothing worse to me than finding out that I was the last to know something . Most often than not, I handle stressful situations better than most or those of you without anxiety. Surprisingly, in a real emergency, I hold it together better than most people would. I think it is because I am constantly on high alert and I manage it quite well. So when there is a real situation I can talk myself down faster than someone who isn't used to doing it in their daily lives. I immediately feel empathy for the people panicking around me because I know how horrible it is to feel so scared of something and I try to calm them.
Bridges are the biggest thing on this planet that give me anxiety. If we are taking a trip and there is a bridge coming up or I know we are going to cross one , I will research the hell out of that bitch. Sometimes my husband will find a bridge-less route so he doesn't have to deal with " the bridge rules" Yes, there are rules people. I don't enforce them over little bridges in town or ones that are low without a peak. I am perfectly fine driving over the Chesapeake Bay bridge tunnel. In case you don't know about it , it is a 21 mile bridge with 4 tunnels. Its amazing. Doesn't bother me at all. Then there are beasts like the Delaware Memorial Bridge and the Talmadge Bridge. I hate them . I hate them so much. The rules are definitely enforced on those. If you don't follow them ,I will hurt you.
* I will NOT be the driver over that thing
* Both hands on the wheel
* No looking around and enjoying the scenery for you. Even with your
sunglasses on and you are trying to look around with out me realizing
(mmmhmmm I am onto you husband)
* Inside lane only
* No lane changes under any circumstances
* Maintain speed limit or below
We were newly married when this particular incident happened. We had driven over bridges together and he knew I didn't like them and he knew the rules. He had to take a trip for work. He rode to the airport with other Navy peeps when he left and I was going to pick him up when he returned. We lived in Virginia Beach and the airport he was flying in to come home was in Newport News. I gave myself a pep talk to drive someplace unfamiliar. I had a GPS in the car and also printed out back up directions from google. I had it covered. I embarked on my journey of 45 mins away max. I made it through the HRBT(another bridge tunnel) had the music playing and was feeling great. Then I see a sign. BRIDGE AHEAD. OHHHHH NOOOOOOO! What is this ? What bridge is this? I am not prepared for this . There was no research done . I have no idea what this looked like .It could be a small bridge or a monster and the way the road was there was going to be no way for me to back out of it last minute. There was no way of me knowing . SHIT. Ok , pull it together. I see a karate dojo. I pull over and park and go inside to ask the man about the bridge. Because this is normal. I go in. I introduce myself. He has a very thick Asian accent and is super smiley and friendly. "Hey! I am picking my husband up from the airport, what bridge is that ahead that the sign is for ? he says" "ohhhh bridge 'corrapse'. don't drive there. " I halt like a speeding car.. "Wait What ???? the bridge is gone ? " haha Oh NO" he says. " Scary Bridge. feels like corraspse. My wife won't drive it , to scary" OH HELL NO. I made him google it in his office so I can see pics. There is no way in hell I am driving over that rickety old bridge . It doesn't help that the entire time he is showing me pictures, he is doing the crash and burn movement with his hands and making explosion sounds and cracking up laughing. I thank him and I leave. I sit in my car for a bit. I find a Dunkin Donuts and I drive there to think. Time is just a ticking away. What do I do? I cannot drive over this thing. There is no way in hell I am making it over that bridge . Planes are descending above me because the airport is literally right there. Yet I cannot get there. I call my uncle who gives good advice , well not really but I knew he'd calm me by cracking up laughing at this . Sure enough , I tell him what is happening and he's hysterical. I cannot go get him I tell him. He is laughing so hard. " So you are telling me your husband who has been gone for military reasons is flying back in and you are leaving him stranded in the airport?" "yes , don't judge me , that sensei told me That bridge is going to collapse and not to drive over it . very scary he said. " He can't breath and my husband is beeping on the other line . I gotta go.
"Hey honey face! how was your trip?" " Good ! so glad to be home , I missed you, Are you here?" "well there is a little problem.." I explain to him about the dojo and the bridge "corrapse" and I am sorry to say I cannot come get you. I explain that I am in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot on other side of bridge and can see the planes landing but unfortunatly I cannot get over there and he is going to have to take a cab to where I am.And I'm so excited to see you and I love you. TOTAL .SILENCE.
"So you are telling me you drove here. You are sitting in a parking lot like 3 miles away and I have to pay an airport cab to come to you with a minimum of $35 because some sensei on the side of the road told you his wife won't drive over the bridge because it shakes and will collapse one day? " "yes. please don't make this any harder. Can't wait to see you! " SILENCE. Being the sweet . calm , patient person he was before I have absolutely driven him crazy over the years with my quirks, he agrees. Then the real fun starts. He calls me back and says he has a cab. Reminds me of the minimum fare amount and asks me where I am. He starts heading to the Dunkin Donuts. This is ridiculous , I'm thinking. Let me be more helpful in this situation and drive closer and sit someplace on their side of the highway to make this easier. I leave Dunkin and find another spot. Phone rings again. "Where are you?" I explain that I have put him thru enough so I drove a little closer and maybe the cab driver will give him less of a fare. He tells me I was a lot closer than I thought to the airport and he is at Dunkin Donuts. OOPS. I apologize . I go back over to Dunkin. I call him to tell him i don't see a cab. He explains to me that's because He drove over to the spot he thinks I was just at . He is starting to sound a little irritated. Ok I am so sorry! Ill come get you. I drive to the wrong gas station . He calls me back again. Asks me where I am now. This is going on for almost 30 minutes now. The patience is gone. I can hear it . He is now yelling at me to stop moving up and down the highway . The driver is yelling at me asking me where exactly I am so they can come and find me. Finally I decide to stop helping and sit still so he can come get in the car and we can get home. This is too exhausting for me and I cannot drive . They finally find me . He gets out of the car. Pays the full fare and walks towards the car. I get out to give him a hug and then run to the passenger side of the car so I can relax after all this stress this has caused me and we can go home.
xoxo
I think a huge misconception about anxiety is that I am fragile. Or I cannot handle things in a real emergency . The total opposite is true. I am an adult. I can handle things. I think sometimes my loved ones have kept things from me thinking they are sparing me the anxiety of something. There is nothing worse to me than finding out that I was the last to know something . Most often than not, I handle stressful situations better than most or those of you without anxiety. Surprisingly, in a real emergency, I hold it together better than most people would. I think it is because I am constantly on high alert and I manage it quite well. So when there is a real situation I can talk myself down faster than someone who isn't used to doing it in their daily lives. I immediately feel empathy for the people panicking around me because I know how horrible it is to feel so scared of something and I try to calm them.
Bridges are the biggest thing on this planet that give me anxiety. If we are taking a trip and there is a bridge coming up or I know we are going to cross one , I will research the hell out of that bitch. Sometimes my husband will find a bridge-less route so he doesn't have to deal with " the bridge rules" Yes, there are rules people. I don't enforce them over little bridges in town or ones that are low without a peak. I am perfectly fine driving over the Chesapeake Bay bridge tunnel. In case you don't know about it , it is a 21 mile bridge with 4 tunnels. Its amazing. Doesn't bother me at all. Then there are beasts like the Delaware Memorial Bridge and the Talmadge Bridge. I hate them . I hate them so much. The rules are definitely enforced on those. If you don't follow them ,I will hurt you.
* I will NOT be the driver over that thing
* Both hands on the wheel
* No looking around and enjoying the scenery for you. Even with your
sunglasses on and you are trying to look around with out me realizing
(mmmhmmm I am onto you husband)
* Inside lane only
* No lane changes under any circumstances
* Maintain speed limit or belowWe were newly married when this particular incident happened. We had driven over bridges together and he knew I didn't like them and he knew the rules. He had to take a trip for work. He rode to the airport with other Navy peeps when he left and I was going to pick him up when he returned. We lived in Virginia Beach and the airport he was flying in to come home was in Newport News. I gave myself a pep talk to drive someplace unfamiliar. I had a GPS in the car and also printed out back up directions from google. I had it covered. I embarked on my journey of 45 mins away max. I made it through the HRBT(another bridge tunnel) had the music playing and was feeling great. Then I see a sign. BRIDGE AHEAD. OHHHHH NOOOOOOO! What is this ? What bridge is this? I am not prepared for this . There was no research done . I have no idea what this looked like .It could be a small bridge or a monster and the way the road was there was going to be no way for me to back out of it last minute. There was no way of me knowing . SHIT. Ok , pull it together. I see a karate dojo. I pull over and park and go inside to ask the man about the bridge. Because this is normal. I go in. I introduce myself. He has a very thick Asian accent and is super smiley and friendly. "Hey! I am picking my husband up from the airport, what bridge is that ahead that the sign is for ? he says" "ohhhh bridge 'corrapse'. don't drive there. " I halt like a speeding car.. "Wait What ???? the bridge is gone ? " haha Oh NO" he says. " Scary Bridge. feels like corraspse. My wife won't drive it , to scary" OH HELL NO. I made him google it in his office so I can see pics. There is no way in hell I am driving over that rickety old bridge . It doesn't help that the entire time he is showing me pictures, he is doing the crash and burn movement with his hands and making explosion sounds and cracking up laughing. I thank him and I leave. I sit in my car for a bit. I find a Dunkin Donuts and I drive there to think. Time is just a ticking away. What do I do? I cannot drive over this thing. There is no way in hell I am making it over that bridge . Planes are descending above me because the airport is literally right there. Yet I cannot get there. I call my uncle who gives good advice , well not really but I knew he'd calm me by cracking up laughing at this . Sure enough , I tell him what is happening and he's hysterical. I cannot go get him I tell him. He is laughing so hard. " So you are telling me your husband who has been gone for military reasons is flying back in and you are leaving him stranded in the airport?" "yes , don't judge me , that sensei told me That bridge is going to collapse and not to drive over it . very scary he said. " He can't breath and my husband is beeping on the other line . I gotta go.
"Hey honey face! how was your trip?" " Good ! so glad to be home , I missed you, Are you here?" "well there is a little problem.." I explain to him about the dojo and the bridge "corrapse" and I am sorry to say I cannot come get you. I explain that I am in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot on other side of bridge and can see the planes landing but unfortunatly I cannot get over there and he is going to have to take a cab to where I am.And I'm so excited to see you and I love you. TOTAL .SILENCE.
"So you are telling me you drove here. You are sitting in a parking lot like 3 miles away and I have to pay an airport cab to come to you with a minimum of $35 because some sensei on the side of the road told you his wife won't drive over the bridge because it shakes and will collapse one day? " "yes. please don't make this any harder. Can't wait to see you! " SILENCE. Being the sweet . calm , patient person he was before I have absolutely driven him crazy over the years with my quirks, he agrees. Then the real fun starts. He calls me back and says he has a cab. Reminds me of the minimum fare amount and asks me where I am. He starts heading to the Dunkin Donuts. This is ridiculous , I'm thinking. Let me be more helpful in this situation and drive closer and sit someplace on their side of the highway to make this easier. I leave Dunkin and find another spot. Phone rings again. "Where are you?" I explain that I have put him thru enough so I drove a little closer and maybe the cab driver will give him less of a fare. He tells me I was a lot closer than I thought to the airport and he is at Dunkin Donuts. OOPS. I apologize . I go back over to Dunkin. I call him to tell him i don't see a cab. He explains to me that's because He drove over to the spot he thinks I was just at . He is starting to sound a little irritated. Ok I am so sorry! Ill come get you. I drive to the wrong gas station . He calls me back again. Asks me where I am now. This is going on for almost 30 minutes now. The patience is gone. I can hear it . He is now yelling at me to stop moving up and down the highway . The driver is yelling at me asking me where exactly I am so they can come and find me. Finally I decide to stop helping and sit still so he can come get in the car and we can get home. This is too exhausting for me and I cannot drive . They finally find me . He gets out of the car. Pays the full fare and walks towards the car. I get out to give him a hug and then run to the passenger side of the car so I can relax after all this stress this has caused me and we can go home.
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment