As most of you know by now, we have moved ACROSS the dang country. We traded in the Palm trees of South Carolina for Pine trees of Northern Oregon. Part of it was our own design, part of it was we were put up against the wall. The town we lived in, was a magical slice of heaven on earth. It is a breathtakingly beautiful place to live. However, it is a very hard place to work. The decent-paying jobs are slim pickings. And if you lose said job, the next one feels impossible to come by, Its the price you pay for living in paradise I suppose.
We have always talked about moving out west. To give it a go. My husband is from there, and his family is all here, and that's one part of the country we haven't yet lived in together so why not? There are a lot of jobs in his field here so there are a lot of pros to our decision. We listed our house and that sucker sold in an instant. Now I have moved enough in my lifetime to know that the kids are going to be a little sad. I know that they are going to adjust. I know that a home is where ever your family is and not a thing. I went thru all the motions of packing and preparing everyone and being in a hurried state of autopilot that I skipped over my own feelings of all of this. Yes, I was excited to try this crazy cross country trip that sounds so romantic and fun. I hated every minute of that shit. HATED IT. Turns out I am not a road-tripper. AT ALL. I do not enjoy road food. I do not want to play I spy in 27 different states. I do not like driving on foreign highways where people merge onto the road on the left side when the entire rest of the country merges on from the right, WHAT THE HELL TEXAS? I do not, I repeat and louder for the people in the back, do NOT enjoy driving on the edge of a mountain looking down a thousand feet to the tops of the trees with signs screaming at me, telling me that I am at 4000+ elevation. WHY? Why do I need to know that at all ever?
Then we get here. We made it. I survived and hated the entire hell of a ride here. It was not what I imagined in my head at all. No funny Blog posts. No daily updates with cute pictures of my family or myself. (I do have a few that I will cherish ) On the final day, after hours of being in the mountains, and by mountains, I mean dangling death cliff roads, I decided I could not handle it any longer and literally tried to put myself in a medically induced coma via a full cup of Nature Calm powdered magnesium. The suggested dose is 1-2 tablespoons I believe to take off the edge. So as you can imagine, that extended the trip with several extra bathroom stops to accommodate my " sedation". Whatever.
And now we are here. Navigating a new place. Not yet in our own place. I was so in autopilot preparing everyone for this move. Packing my house, thinking about the future, dreaming about an Oregonian decor vs. a Lowcountry coastal decor. Thinking of what to get the kids involved in so they wouldn't feel so homesick. I got them signed up for school as soon as we got here to get things back to normal. And then I fell apart. I never prepared my own self for the homesick feeling that set in for me, an adult, who made this choice! I started crying and I just fell apart. What did we do? Why did we do this? I had an incredible amazing tribe at "home". I lived in an incredible and beautiful neighborhood. I had an amazing house. My kids and I knew people wherever we went on a daily basis. We did this for a reason. Very valid reasons that we still stand by. But dam does it hurt sometimes. I know myself well enough to know that if I give myself the time, I will again know people everywhere I go. I will build another tribe. I will have friends again, and a home to call my own. I know it is times like this that my faith grows exponentially. This reminds me of that cartoon of Jesus kneeling in front of a child trying to take its small beloved bear, while he is holding a giant "better" bear behind his back and it just says "Trust me". I am learning to do just that. I am leaning into my faith with everything I have and finding comfort in just that . There is a reason for this season of my life. I don't have it figured out and may never in this lifetime. But I do know that to believe and have faith is to hand it all over to God and truly trust that this is going to work out. That I, ultimately have control over nothing. "For I know the plans I have for you" is etched on my new favorite bracelet and I look at it often.
So for now, I am embracing all of this. I am chatting to the women on the "sides" who look as lost as I do(because who doesn't want to be included? that's a whole story for another day but we can all do better on this one) I am dragging my family to different churches every week to find a fit for us. I am looking at volunteer opportunities to give back and serve others who are less fortunate. I am letting my kids see that. I am letting them know that I sometimes have the same feelings they do on this big scary move and we can still be happy and enjoy what is in front of us. I am, simply thankful.
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